OMG... YUM!!

I discovered a DELICIOUS meal today, ladies (and gents, if you're out there).  It may come as no surprise to some of you veteran bandsters, but it was a moment of epiphany for this newbie.

Take one medium avocado (approx. 3 oz. w/o skin and pit) and cut it in half.  Place on foil on baking sheet and drizzle both halves with lemon juice (maybe 1/8 tsp total).  Top with 1/3 cup (total) part skim mozzarella cheese and broil in oven until cheese is melted.  Eat and enjoy!

Its very filling, has 230 calories, 10g of protein, and plenty of "good fat" from the avocado.

My tummy is very happy right now.  Mmmm...

Post-Op Appt. Update

Apparently I'm just going to chat with ya'll all day long because this is my third post today!

So I just got back from my first post-op appointment with my doctor.  It went great.  He was thrilled with my weight loss and gave me full activity clearance, which I'm stoked about.  He said my incisions are looking "impressive" and that I'm on the right track so far.

We talked about my lung issues and he said it sounds like I may be dealing with asthma, which is news to me!  I've never wheezed a day in my life until I got sick in January.  So I have to go see my GP and get an action plan together.  Luckily I have allergy meds (which triggers the asthma, he thinks) and a daily inhaler to help with the inflamation.  So yah, thats the story with that.

On my way out, Dr. Quaid told me to come back in four weeks for what would be my first fill (if things are going well).  When I went to the front desk to make my next appointment, the scheduling lady told me that Dr. Quaid will be out of town for two weeks and that I won't get to see him again unil... AUGUST 10th!!   *dies*   Six more weeks?!  For a total of nine weeks from surgery to first fill.  Ugh.  I hope I don't lose a ton of restriction in the next six weeks, but I know I probably will.  So that bummed me out a bit.  But my goal is to go back into Dr. Quaid's office in six weeks and be down at LEAST another 20 lbs.

I can totally do that, right?  Right...?

TWENTY!!!

I am officially 20 lbs. down!  It feels so good!  I cannot imagine what 30, 40, 50, etc. are going to feel like, but for now I'm going to enjoy 20!!  WOOHOO!

An Apple a Day...

I'm headed to my first post-op appointment here in about 90 minutes.  Tomorrow marks three weeks since my surgery and I'm anxious to see what the doc  thinks of my progress.  I'm down almost 20 lbs. (hopefully 20 but I haven't weighed myself this morning yet) and my incisions are doing amazing.  I'm hoping I get at least *some* exercise clearance because I'm just dying to get moving!  I know once I can start getting active, the weight will come off quicker and easier.

BUT... I do have one problem I need to talk to him about.  My lungs.  Back in January I had a really nasty case of bronchitis that started to turn into pneumonia.  I was one sick girl for a full week.  Ever since then, except for a couple weeks before and after my surgery, my lungs were a mess.  I've never wheezed a day in my life until this all happened.  Now I wheeze constantly.  I can't catch my breath if I do something as simple as climb a flight of stairs.  My lungs burn and sting and ache all the time and I cough until I gag.  And about five days ago I started having a productive cough.  Yeah, no bueno.  So hopefully I'll get some answers about this lung issue and get on with my life already!!

Wish me luck!!

My First NSV!!

I had my first little NSV (non-scale victory) this morning!  At this point, I'm hovering just under 20 lbs lost.  And for someone of my size (I started at 297), its not too noticeable right now to most people (myself included).

BUT... this morning when I grabbed my favorite pair of jeans out of the dryer and put them on, I noticed that they didn't fit as snug as they usually do after they've been washed!  Usually I have to wiggle into them and do a few lunges and squats to loosen those bad boys up a tad.

((you KNOW you know what I'm talking about ladies)). 

But today they slipped right on a buttoned up with no problem and they were COMFORTABLE!!  No crazy muffin top from too-tight-just-outta-the-dryer jeans!  WOOHOO!!

Top 5 Reasons Why I Snacked This Weekend

#5.  The Cheetos that I NEVEREVER buy, somehow ended up in my shopping cart and then my pantry, calling my name for the last two days.

#4.  My boys spent the night with my sister, leaving me and DH to our own devices.  DH is a late-night snacker and apparently I still am too.  *sigh*

#3.  We went to a movie and, while I didn't get anything but a bottle of water, DH got a package of Sour Straws and I *may* have had one (or three)

#2.  We packed a picnic lunch for the baseball game today and I threw in three chocolate-chip granola bars.  I only have two children.  Why did I do that?!

And the #1 reason why I snacked this weekend.... I'm a stress-eater and my husband decided to scare the hell out of me at the baseball game today by getting heat exhaustion and promptly passing out at the top of the bleachers, leading to a visit from the paramedics and 20 minutes in the ambulance.  Good times...

But tomorrow is a brand-new day and I'm going to stick to the plan! *thumbsup*

Warning: Incision Photo

Contrary to what you may think, the most disturbing parts of this photo are NOT the incisions themselves.  But rather, the stretch marks and flabs of fat that surround my belly.  I apologize in advance.

I have five incisions.  Numbers 2 and 5 are almost completely invisible.  Number one is very close to being totally healed.  Number four is a bit swollen and tender and, of course, number 3 (the port) is the slowest to heal.  Dontcha just love the yummy yellow bruises around the port incision?  That small yellow/green bruise between numbers 2 and 4 is from the first blood thinner injection.  The one they gave me after surgery (its a bit lower, thus cut from the photo) is just gnarly-looking.  Its black and purple and green and yellow all at once.  NOT pretty.

Oh, and yes, for those of you that were wondering.  I really am that white.  My husband jokes that I'm so white I'm almost transparent.  Hahaha...  *glare*

Two Weeks Out

Today marks two weeks post-op. 

It feels like a lifetime ago, and yet I still can't believe that its been two whole weeks.

I'm healing splendidly.  My incisions are looking amazing and I'm no longer struggling with exhaustion.

I'm starting to get antsy, though.  I want to get moving!  I want to ride my bike again and even hit the gym!  When did you get your activity clearance from your doctor?  When were you able to do more than just walk?  I know two weeks is early, but I can't imagine waiting another two weeks (at least!).

If you haven't already figured it out, patience is not my forte. 

Where's the Welcome Wagon?!

**tapping foot impatiently**

WHERE is the welcome wagon?  The lady with my basket of goodies, welcoming me to the neighborhood with a kind smile and some homemade cookies?

If you haven't guessed yet, I'm the newest resident of Bandster Hell.  Arrived this weekend.  Just gettin' settled in to the neighborhood.

So on Friday night I made my family my all-time favorite meal.  Homemade fried rice, egg rolls (not-so-homemade) and teriyaki chicken.

*drool*

I'm a few days out from giving "soft foods" a shot, and I've been SOOOOOOO good on my liquid/mushy/puree diet that I thought I'd give it a shot.  A few tiny bites of soft chicken.  Heaven.  And went down great.  So I got brave and tried a teeenytiiiiny bit of rice.  Delish.  So I had a few more bites of chicken and some more rice.  I knew that it was about then that I should be feeling "full".  But I wasn't.  So I had an egg roll.

*hanging head in shame*

I felt full after the egg roll and when I had a moment of temporary insanity and took a sip of water after I ate it, I felt "the feeling".  I felt the water stick up high in my chest.  And then I felt it "trickle" down.  It was the weirdest sensation.

Anyways... it was then that I realized that I was entering bandster hell.  That time between surgery and the first fill where there is very little restriction and our "fat kid" habits are still in full-swing.  I really wanted another egg roll about three hours later.  Like REALLY wanted it.  But I knew that was just going to lead me down a dark road, so I resisted.

But man, its hard.  I've been giving into my inner (and outter) fat kid for so long that its hard to break the cycle.  I knew how good that egg roll would have tasted.  Especially after weeks of protein shakes, lite yogurt, and fat-free cottage cheese.  And once my mind got going, it was hard to turn it off.  I wanted a PBJ sandwich.  I LOVE PBJ sandwiches.  They are my go-to snack at night when I get "hungry" (a term I'm learning to use loosely).  I've really REALLY missed my morning bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios.  And the shredded cheese that I've been using SO sparingly lately?  It was just begging to be covered in my morning scrambled egg.

But I resisted.  It wasn't easy and I can't guarantee that I'll be able to resist forever.  But for now, I resisted.

Because I refuse (REFUSE!!) to have gone through all of this in vain.  I refuse to be one of those bandsters who continues in their own ignorance, unaware of the fact that the band is NOT a magic wand!  I know that this is my only shot at this.  There are no do-overs in WLS.  Not for me at least.  And while I know that bandster hell is going to be... well, hell... I will not use that as an excuse for bad habits.  Not anymore.  No more eggrolls for this Hungry Girl.

But I have to admit... if the Welcome Wagon lady came to my door tonight, I *might* just have a tiny nibble of one of her homemade cookies.

But just a tiny nibble.

*wink*

You Like Me! You Really Like Me!

Get outta town!  Christine from Phoenix Revolution bestowed upon me the Beautiful Blogger Award!  How crazy is that?!  Thank you so much, Christine!  You totally made my day!

So apparently I'm supposed to tell my reader seven things about myself that you don't already know before I pass this award onto seven other bloggers.  So, here goes...

Random Fact #1: I read magazines back-to-front.  I learned it from my mom and its the only way I can read a magazine.  Besides, usually the best stuff is at the back anyways. 

Random Fact #2:  I know every.single.word to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.  I'm a good time at karaoke, yo. 

Random Fact #3:  I'm a terrible housekeeper.  It's not something I'm proud of, but after nine years of marriage, its something that I'm coming to terms with.  My house isn't DIRTY, it just isn't really picked up or organized.  I do try, I really do.

Random Fact #4: I am obsessed with musical theater.  Showtunes are always on my playlist.  In fact, as I type, I'm listening to Defying Gravity from Wicked.  Two songs after this is Do-Re-Mi from Sound of Music. 

Random Fact #5:  I am a third-generation Colorado native.  And if I never live anywhere else my whole life, I'll die happy.  I am a die-hard Coloradoan.

Random Fact. #6: I'm a wannabe photographer.  My dream is to have a professional-quality DSLR camera and take amazing photos of my friends and family.

Random Fact #7:  I have a TON of freckles.  Seriously, I'm covered.  In fact, my oldest son once heard me complaining that I'm so pale and he said, "mommy, maybe one day all your freckles will come together and form one giant freckle and you can finally be tan!"  hahah, I love that kid.

Ok, so thats seven things about me.  Now I have to pick seven bloggers to pass the Beautiful Blogger Award on to.  Hmmm.... this is a tough one.  I'm going to pick...

1.  Jordan from Three Little Birds
2.  Janice from Banded and Blogging
3.  Jen from Life's Little Journey
4.  Linda from Linda's Bandwidth
5.  Ashly from Looking Ahead
6.  Ronke from Young, Black, and Banded
7.  T from Diary of a (Former) Fat Chick

Thanks again, Christine!  Happy Blogging, everyone!!

Mushies... Quite the Adventure

So I'm one week and two days post-op and I'm on the puree/mushy diet.  Its nice being off of full liquids, as my options were rather limited.

I started out with the mushy basics... soft-scrambled eggs, cottage cheese w/ pureed canned pears, cream of wheat, etc.  But it quickly became clear that I would need to expand my dietary horizons, so to speak, if I wanted to make it through the next two weeks until my first post-op appointment.

So I went to the store and got a few things to try.  First up was a chicken salad recipe I found in a WLS cookbook.  It was canned chicken (yeah, this should've been my first clue), olive oil, onion powder, garlic powder, oregano, and a little chicken stock.  So I popped it all in my oh-so-handy Magic Bullet and pureed away.  It smelled *delicious* and I was excited to give it a shot.

Yeah, notsomuch.  The consistency and texture was barf-tastic and I couldn't get more than a bite or two in before I felt like dry-heaving.  So much for pureed meat-heavy meals.

My next foray into the world of mushy foods was simple... copy others who have done this already.  So I got some Chicken Tortilla soup from the grocery store and pureed it at home.

It.was.delicious.  The texture was perfect.  Still very soup-like but more like a thick bisque.  And it was very healthy too!  Plenty of protein.

I made egg salad (with fat-free mayo thankyouverymuch) and pureed it in the Magic Bullet.  It reminded me of the filling of a deviled egg, but it was still good.  And, as required, lots of protein.  I still have some in my fridge that I'll probably have for lunch today.

I also pureed some baked potato soup that my mom made.  DE.LICI.OUS. 

Spaghetti?  Into the Bullet.  (although I won't do that again cuz the noodles are empty calories)

I'm looking for more mushy/puree meals that are new and different.  What are your faves?  What were your go-to mushies?  What can't I live without these next two weeks?  

Hic-Hic-Hiccups

So today marks one week post-op.  I'm feeling pretty good.  My energy is returning (slowly but surely), my incisions look great (photos to come), and I've lost 18 pounds!  Things are moving along splendidly!

But these darn hiccups!!! 

I swear on all things holy that these hiccups are going to be the death of me!  I've always been a pretty "hiccup-y" person.  Even before surgery, my hiccups would be so strong and loud.  But post op?  Fuggetaboutit.  I wanna die!  They hurt so bad because of the muscle contractions in my diaphram!  Oy!!  I only usually hiccup once or twice and usually after I get up from sitting or laying down.  But geezohpeet!

Am I the only one that is having this issue?  Is is a post-op thing that will go away with time or is this something that us bandsters just deal with forever?

Brand New Day

Saturday was a bad day.  Sunday was a little better.  And today is a brand new day!  I'm feeling so much different than I did just 36 hours ago, its incredible.  A few things I've changed that I think have made a difference...

~ I switched from Crystal Light to ice water.  I was having a hard time getting in all my fluids and I realized its because I like ice water about a million times more than flavored drinks.  I switched and now I'm getting much closer to my daily recommended fluid intake!  Plus, I got a migraine last night and I know it was from dehydration. 

~ I do not lay down (or recline) during or about 30 minutes after I eat or drink a shake.  I was having all this pressure high in my abdomen (up near my diaphram) and sometimes a small wave of nausea.  Then my stomach would start to make all kinds of dinosaur-like noises and churn and rumble.  I think its because I wasn't sitting upright.  So far so good today.

~ I got on the scale.  I haven't bothered to check my weight since my surgery because I knew I was carrying a ton of water-weight from the IV fluids and just the general nature of abdominal surgery.  But after my shower I got on the scale and it said 284!  That's down 10 lbs. in five days!  It was a huge boost to my self-esteem and gave me the confidence to keep on keepin' on.

Well, my little computer break is over.  I have to get back to picking up the house.  I love my husband dearly and he took wonderful care of me while I was laid up, but the house looks like an F-5 tornado came through.  I swear the man used two pots, a bowl, and three spoons just to make himself some mac&cheese.  And don't even get me started on the empty milk carton in the fridge and junk mail strew hither and fro.

Until next time...

One day at a time...

They say that the third day post-op tends to be the hardest, the worst.

"They" were right.  Yesterday was not a good day for me.

I had been doing so good in the hospital and my first day home.  I had virtually no pain and I didn't have to take any of my Loritab or Phenergan.  I was sipping my fluids and feeling quite comfortable.  I didn't have any gas pains and my incisions were looking good.

But yesterday was a whole new ballgame.  Yesterday I was sore, gassy, "tight", and uncomfortable.  I tried to just work through the discomfort, thinking it would pass.  I got up and took a shower, checked my email, and promptly fell sound asleep from the exertion of it all.  I thought perhaps what I needed was to just get moving.  I remembered from my c-sections that the more I moved, the better I felt in the long run.  So Jeff helped me get dressed and he took me to a movie.  It started out ok, but about an hour into the movie, I felt the need to recline and "stretch out" my abdomen.  I obviously couldn't do that in a movie theater seat, so I just had to tough it out.  By the time the movie was over, I was in a fair amount of pain and snuck into the ladies bathroom to take some Loritab that I had stashed in my purse.  The ride home was not pleasant as I felt every.single.bump.  But Jeff got me home and situated in my giant recliner with and icepack and some Crystal Light and I drifted off into dreamland.

I'm feeling much better today.  I am struggling with eating/drinking enough.  I sip Crystal Light all day long, but I'm just not hungry enough to drink the three protein shakes per day that my doctor requires post-op.  I need to just suck it up and force myself to drink them, I know.

My boys come home in an hour or so.  They've been camping with my parents since my surgery.  Its been nice having them "out of the way" during this part of my recovery, but I've missed them.  And while I'm excited to see them and hear about their camping adventures, I'm nervous about the logistics of taking care of them these next few days while I'm still in such a critical stage of recovery.

So, thats pretty much it for now.  I'm just taking it one day at a time and trying not to get ahead of myself.  I still can't believe I actually did it.  The band is inside me as we speak and its kinda hard to believe.  I'm incredibly excited to heal and start the "work" towards losing this weight.

Surgery and Post-Op Day 1

Here's my story...

DH and I arrived at the hospital at the un-Godly hour of 5:30 a.m.  They did all the typical pre-op preparations like inserting my IV and giving me belly shot of blood thinners (ouch!).  Right before they took me back to the OR my nurse gave me a does of Propofol (of Michael Jackson fame) and I started to feel quite... drunk.  :)

I was wheeled into the OR around 7:30, moved my big butt over the the operating table and thats about all I remember.  It was cold and someone sang Happy Birthday to me as I fell asleep (it was my 29th b-day).

I woke up 90 mins later in recovery.  I don't think I've ever felt so sleepy in my life. I had very little pain and mostly just went in and out of consciousness.  Right before they were to move me up to my room, the nausea started.  Nothing crazy, just a bit of nausea and some minor pain.  As soon as I got up to my room, they gave me some anti-nausea meds through my IV.  It didn't really work and I'd be woken up every 10 minutes with a wave of nausea.  The only thing that worked was to inhale the fumes from a alcohol rubbing pad.  They also gave me lavender and peppermint oils, but those didn't work.  Just the rubbing alcohol.  They then gave me another type of anti-nausea meds and that seemed to work.

I spent the rest of the day sleeping.  I'd be hot one minute and cold another.  It wasn't the most restful sleep I've ever had.  My husband was there the whole time and my sister came to visit too.  I wanted to be awake while she was there, so I got up to take a walk around the ward.  I was VERY slow and immediately fell back asleep once I got back to my room.  My pain was very manageable and felt no worse (even slightly better) than after my c-sections.

I started waking up more in the evening, munching on some ice chips, checking my email, and watching T.V.  I walked a couple more times, getting faster each time.  I've dubbed my IV stand "Stephen".  He and I are good friends as long as he stays out my way during my walks.  I tend to stub my toe on his casters which hurts like crazy!

I would like to take this time to mention that my CNA from 5pm-11:30pm was, hands down, the most gorgeous boy I've ever seen.  Wowza.  His name was Jake and he was 21.  Yikes.  But I looked past out age difference (only 8 years) and I'm pretty sure he fell madly in love with me.  I mean, c'mon... I'm looking pretty hot in this gown, ya'll.  :)

They nurses started getting a bit concerned during the night that my pulse was so low.  It was hovering between 32-45 bpm, which is low.  First thing this morning they wanted to see what my pulse did when I got moving.  So they sat me up and took me for a walk and my pulse popped right up.  I guess I just really like to rest.  :)

I should note that my pain has been virtually non-existent.  I haven't used my pain pump since yesterday evening.  Sitting here in bed right now, my pain is basically zero.  When I move or get up to walk or pee, I feel sore in my incisions, especially my port site.  But its nothing I can't handle.  I've had a tiny little bit of referred pain from the CO2, but nothing compared to what I experienced with my last c-section.  Just a little pressure for a few minutes and then it goes away.

I'm starting to get hungry.  Nothing major, but I can feel that my stomach is very very empty.  I've had nothing but ice chips (and very few of those) for over 30 hours.  My nurse said they'd move me to clear liquids this morning, but I have to watch my nausea.

I have five incisions on my abdomen. One on the right side, two on the left, one up near my bra line (a little lower) and one (my port site) a little up and to the left of my belly button.  The only incision I've really felt is the port site.  Its about twice as big as the others.  I have a standard 10cc band and my doc said everything looked great.  He noted that my spleen was 2-3 times larger than it should be (from a previous illness 10 years ago) but that everything else looked great. 

I should be discharged from the hospital sometime this later morning or early afternoon.  Discharges take so long... *sigh*

Well, thats it for me.  I can't really think of anything else to add...

Until next time!

Fat Girl Walking!!!

My surgery is tomorrow!!  OMG, I cannot believe it!  Up to this point, my surgery has been "in the future".  A month, two weeks, 10 days... but now all of a sudden its TOMORROW!! 

((insert happy dance here))

I am so excited, I can hardly stand it!  I'm not very nervous for the surgery itself, as I've had three other major surgeries (a breast reduction when I was 19 and two c-sections with my sons).  I'm just so ready to get on with the rest of my life!  I'm so ready to begin the next leg of the journey!  I'm so EXCITED!!

This is me (without all the cheesy 80's goodness and the sexual references, of course)

Bathing Suit Blues

It's no secret that women, especially us Hungry Girls, tremble in fear at the mere thought of going bathing suit shopping.  My experience tends to go something like this...

I wake up at 8 a.m. with a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach.  I shower, get dressed, and leave the house at precisely 9 a.m. armed only with a cup of black coffee.

When I arrive at the store, I make a beeline straight for the bathing suits.  But as I approach the lycra and spandex oasis, I halt in my steps.  SONOFA!!!!  There, before me, are two size 4 teenage girls pawing through the multitude of  bathing suits in their sizes.  They chirp back and forth about the pros and cons of boy shorts versus low-rise bikini bottoms while I make my ways towards the "plus size" section.  And by "section", I mean half a rack of god-awful bathing suits that some skinny designer created in hopes of deterring fat women everywhere from ever wearing a bathing suit in public.  I consider putting on my sunglasses, as I'm sure the bright colors and obnoxious patterns are surely burning my retinas.  Animal prints, racing stripes, color-blocking, and oh the humanity!  Skirts, skorts, tankinis, cover-ups the size of Wyoming... its a wasteland of the most undesirable fabrics and prints imaginable.  But, I push on...

I begin flipping through the bathing suits, my eye on the prize... the Holy Grail of plus-size bathing suits... the solid black one-piece with tummy control and built-in underwire.  I pull out suit after suit, piling them on my shopping cart like the leaning Tower of Pisa (no, not pizza ladies, Pisa).  After exhausting the few options before me, I head toward the dressing rooms where the sweet old lady counts my items and sends me to my cubicle. 

Its dark, poorly lit, and smells faintly of sweaty feet.  I undress and grab the first suit on the top of the pile, the one with the most potential.  Maybe, just maybe, I will only have to try on ONE today.  Maybe the first one I try on with be THE ONE and I can go home, happy that I accomplished my mission quickly and efficiently.

But as I wiggle my hips into the bathing suit, I know that this is not THE ONE.  Its a low swoop neck and "the girls" are like two-pound hams stuffed into a one-pound bag.  It's obscene.  Off comes suit #1 and on goes suit #2.  This one has a tag boasting it's "superior tummy control", but apparently this Hungry Girl's tummy is un-controllable because I might as well be wearing a wet t-shirt.  Suits #s 3, 4, and 5 are a horror show of flab, back fat, and cellulite.  At this point I'm sweating.  And I'm pissed.  And I'm on the verge of tears.  There is one more bathing suit left in my pile and I can't even bring myself to try it on.  It has a skirt, for pete's sake!!  And its green zebra stripes!  I draw the line at technicolor animal prints, thankyouverymuch.

I get re-dressed, feeling defeated and exhausted as I leave behind the dressing room of my morning's failures.  I make my way to the front of the store, careful to avoid eye contact with the size-4s who are now browsing the junior section, snatching up every tank top and short-shorts they can find.  I slink out to my car, feeling fatter and more pathetic than I have in months.  I will never find a bathing suit that fits.  I will never go swimming again.  Hell, I may never leave my HOUSE again! 

As I drive home, I pass a Good Times.  Perhaps a cheeseburger will make me feel better...

Birthday-Schmirthday

My birthday is the same day as my surgery (Wednesday, June 9th), so my family is having my birthday dinner tonight. We usually just do a "bring your own appetizer" thing for birthdays so there will be lots of yummy food there.

Me? I'll be sipping on my oh-so-delicious (note the sarcasm) protein shake.

At my own birthday party.

Awesome.

Its gonna be hard to not give in to the temptation, but I can do it. I'm already down SIX POUNDS in four days, so I know I'm on the right track. My mom offered to not have any food at the party at all, but thats just mean to everyone else. lol I did, however, request that she not make my favorite birthday dessert. I might be strong now, but one whiff of those amazing blondies that only my mom can make "just right" and I'm right back into Fat Girl Mode.

Wish me luck! It's Party Time!!

Different Than a Bucket List...

Instead of whining about how hungry I am today (which, honestly, I'm not all that hungry anymore), I thought I'd make my Fat Girl Bucket List. But rather than a list of things I want to do before I die, it's a list of things I want to do after I lose the weight. So here we go...

1. I want to be able to cross my legs like a lady. I can do it now, but its quite difficult and uncomfortable.

2. I want to be able to ride ANY ride at Disney World. When DH and I were there a couple years ago, there were several rides we couldn't fit on. It was humiliating. I never want to feel like that again.

3. I want to sit in a movie theater chair without having to lift the arm rests or have them jabbing into my hips. Same with an airplane seat.

4. I want to shop in a non-plus-size clothing store. I want to be able to walk into any clothing store anywhere and be able to fit into at LEAST their largest size.

5. I want to get rid of my CPAP machine. No more sleep apnea for me after I lose the weight!!

6. I want to be able to see my collarbone and my cheek bones and my jawline. I know they're there somewhere...

7. I want to no be the "fat bridesmaid" at my sister's wedding in a few years. It may sound wrong, but I've been praying that she doesn't get married until I lose the weight. Everyone has seen the "fat bridesmaid" at a wedding. Its like watching a train wreck encased in satin.

8. I want to be able to wear my adorable b/w houndstooth coat that I bought but could barely fit into it. Its a sz. 18.

9. I want to have a normal body temp. At this weight, I am hot all.the.time. I sweat constantly and once I get overheated, I can't cool off.

10. I want to be able to fit back into my wedding gown. Granted, I was heavy when I got married almost 9 years ago, but nothing like I am now. I want to look HOT in that dress again before I give it away!

Ok, thats all I can think of right now. Just listing all of these things is making me SO EXCITED!

5 days and counting...

The Not-So-Little Engine That Could...

I can do this. I'm on day three and I can do this. I can handle being a "little" hungry. And when I am *really* hungry, I'll have a shake. And that will hold me over until I get really hungry again.

Giving in to these little bursts of "head hunger" is what got me here in the first place. If had the presence of mind to say "Its ok to be a little hungry, its starving that you have to worry about" then perhaps I wouldn't be six days away from weight-loss surgery.

In the infamous words of the tiny blue train from my favorite childhood book...

I think I can... I think I can... I think I can... I know I can... I KNOW I CAN!!

Day 2 on the Island of I'M STARVING!!

Its Day 2 of my seven-day pre-op diet. I'm not gonna lie... I'm starving. I am teetering on the edge. I want some real food so bad I can hardly stand it. But I know that if I give in, I won't just have a little bit of real food to satisfy my hunger. If that were true, I wouldn't be on a pre-op diet at all. If I could control my hunger and my eating habits, I wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.

No, I am what I am. I am a Hungry Girl. And if I give into my hunger right now, it'll be a massacre of epic proportions.

Double Whopper, no lettuce
Large Fry
Vanilla Shake

Calorie Count? about a bazillion and a half.

Then comes the guilt. I'll feel fat and pathetic and weak. And all of those things will be true. If I give in.

But I'm not going to give in today. Instead, I'm going to write about it. I'm going to keep busy. Because if my hands are busy, they can't feed my face. I'm going to stick to this diet because its only Day 2 and if I can't do this, then what's the point of this surgery? The Lap-Band won't magically give me self-control. I have to obtain that on my own.

And it starts right now. Day 2 of 7. 10:53 a.m.

Wish me luck...

The Standoff

:: a lone tumbleweed rolls across the scene as a buzzard circles overhead ::

The blender and I are having a stand-off.

It gleams at me, menacingly from its perch on the counter.

I circle it, searching out its weakness, but I find none.

The blender senses that victory is imminent and goes in for the kill.

WWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRR
RRRR
RR


Another chocolate protein shake. The blender mocks my hunger.

*sigh*