To Fill or Not to Fill...

... that is the question.

I have an appt. with my surgeon on Thursday afternoon.  Its my monthly (for the first year post-op) check up and I was expecting to need another small fill.  But for the last week I've been thinking that maybe the fill isn't such a good idea.  First of all, I had my first PB incident (and it was a doozy) at this level.  I get stuck quite easily and often if I don't take small bites and chew really well.  Soft breads are totally out where before I could maybe work one down if I took it slow enough.  My portions are getting smaller.  Where I could eat two *very* small breakfast burritos before, I can only eat most of one and thats even hard to do.  I'm rarely hungry unless its been over 4-5 hours since my last meal or snack.  And in the last three or four days, I have become really really tight first thing in the mornings.  Where I could eat a breakfast burrito or a small bowl of cereal, I can now barely choke down a yogurt with grape nuts.

So, I guess my answer is pretty clear.   I'm not going to get a fill.  My doctor is very conservative with his fills, so I'm sure he wouldn't have let me have on anyways.  But it feels good knowing that I'm listening to my body and doing what I feel is best for it.  Besides... there is always next month, right?  Worst-case scenario... I'll lost all my restriction the moment I cancel my appointment and I'll have to tough it out until I can get in for a fill.  Best-case scenario (and I'm going to whisper it so as not to frighten it away) ((( is it possible that I'm at my sweet spot already?)))

So I have one last question...  money is tight and spending $40 to see my doc when I'm not even getting a fill and things are going so well just seems like a huge waste of money.  Did any of you skip any of your monthly appts. that first year?  Is it really a big deal?

Sad Truths...

You know when you hear those stories about people who have lost a ton of weight and then their friend/family member/insert-important-person-here turns on them out of nowhere because of jealousy/fear/insert-negative-emotion-here and you naively think to yourself, "that won't happen to me because [insert-important-person-here] would never do that because he/she is [supportive/wonderful/insert-positive-trait-here] and would never ever turn on me no matter how much weight I've lost." but then, the next thing you know, it happens to you?


Yeah, that really sucks when that happens.


*sigh*

Spoke too soon

You remember when I mentioned yesterday that, while I have gotten stuck a few times, I have never PB'd?

Um... yah.  Notsomuch anymore.

OMG girls, I thought I was going to DIE last night!  After the gym, I came home and ate a really yummy broiled tilapia fillet w/ dill.  It filled me up and I was good to go.  But about 15 minutes after I finished my tilapia, I remembered that there were left-over sugar cookies in the pantry from a BBQ on Sunday. 

Cue Fat Jenny, stage left. 

Fat Jenny doesn't make too many appearances any more, but she did last night standing in front of the pantry looking at those cookies.  And I know it was Fat Jenny because I don't even LIKE sugar cookies!  They are not something I would ever choose to eat if presented with other options.  But Fat Jenny stuck her fat ass into the pantry and grabbed two small cookies.  Just as I was about to pop the last bite into my mouth, I felt it.  That pressure in the middle of my chest telling me that I had gone just a *little* too far.  So I argued with Fat Jenny for a split second before Formerly Fat Jenny won and I threw the last bite into the trash.

But the damage had already been done.  Anytime I've been stuck before, its been for a maximum of 10 minutes.  This time I was stuck for TWO FREAKING HOURS!

Yes, you read it right.  Two hours.  It was terrible.  I've never slimed more in my life.  I had to stand at the sink, spitting every few seconds.  The pain and pressure was excruciating.  Worse that any other time I've been stuck.  After about 45 minutes, I knew it was going to come back up.  And honestly?  At this point I was just hoping for some relief.  So, up it came.  Pretty much just as it had gone down.  I instantly felt better and thought the worst was over.

I was wrong.

I spent the next hour and fifteen minutes over the sink praying for death.  I PB'd two more times.  I was exhausted.  My stomach was so sore.  And I never.wanted.to.see.a.sugar.cookie.again.

Ever.  ((I threw the whole package away about an hour into my ordeal))

After I was done PB'ing and sliming and wishing I was dead, I fell into bed and just layed there, totally and completely exhausted.  I had no idea PBing was such a traumatic experience!

Its something I never want to do again.  Even if it means staying far, FAR away from sugar cookies.  For the rest of my life.

The big 4-0

No, I didn't turn 40 years old.  I haven't even hit 30 yet, so don't get ahead of yourself.  :)

This morning when I got on the scale I had lost a little over a pound overnight.  My official weight is 257 lbs. which means I've officially lost 40 lbs.!

I was starting to get worried that my body was holding onto all its extra calories once I started working out this past week.  But it seems as though all is right in the world and I will continue to lose weight as I increase my physical activity.  I'm really enjoying my gym time and seeing results from my hard work is such a motivation to keep working harder and to push myself more!

I'm still feeling pretty good restriction from my tiny fill a couple weeks ago.  I'm finally being "punnished" for taking too big of bites and not chewing well enough.  No PBing, but quite a few good stuck/sliming episodes.  Before, it would happen with only the typical "bad band" food like soft breads.  But now its with pretty much anything that I don't chew properly.  Its a good reminder to me to slow.the.hell.down when I eat.  I think maybe one more small fill at the end of the month might put me right about where I want to be.  But we'll see how these next couple of weeks go. 

So far so good.

New Low and Gym Membership

I hit a new lowest low this morning!!  I'm officially down in the 250's.  259 to be exact.  And it feels great!!  With ever pound I lose, I gain confidence and motivation and excitement at my new life!!

Yesterday I got a gym membership to a local gym near my house.  Its just the basic gym with exercise equipment (eliptical, treadmill, bikes, etc.), free weights, and weight machines.  Its only $19.95/mo. which fits perfectly into our tight budget.  I was a member a few years ago but... well... we all know where that went.  But I went tonight and it was so great!  I surprised myself at my endurance!  I did 30 minutes of cardio on the recumbent bike.  It was exhausting, but it felt GREAT!  Then I did 15 min. on the eliptical.  I did great which surprised me because the last (and only) time I got on one of those devil-machines, it was pure carnage.  I couldn't make my body move the right way.  It was like watching a clown run backwards in scuba flippers.  But today... today I did it!  Only for 15 mins, but I did it!  I ended with a 10 minute cool-down on the treadmill on a level 12 incline. 

Tomorrow my sister (you know, the super-skinny one) is meeting me at the gym to work out together.  I'm actually excited!

In other random news... my bff and I reconciled.  I saw on her facebook that she was sick today and I couldn't help myself.  I called her to see how she was and left a message saying that I thought this nonsense between us was stupid.  When she returned my call we had a great talk.  We both apologized and hashed out the major miscommunication  we had the other day.  Things are probably going to be tense for a while, but I think we're going to be ok.  So, thanks for the support ladies. 

xoxox

Having a Blue Day.

*sigh* 

I don't know quite what to do with myself.  I'm having a very blue day.  I know this isn't band-related, but I just need to get all of this off my chest and I figured the blog world is the perfect place to send it all, ya know?

So I had a falling out with my best friend last night.  It was ugly.  I'm heartbroken that she no longer wants to be friends, but I know I have nothing to be sorry for.  You see, she disagrees with how I handle my marriage.  Her and I have polar-opposite marriages and its never been an issue. 

Until yesterday. 

She is angry at how I handled something with my husband and is taking it upon herself to "put me in my place".  She feels like she was somehow wronged in this situation that was between ME and my HUSBAND (which is 100% resolved, btw).  She wanted me to handle it like she would have with her husband.  What she doesn't understand is that I don't want a marriage like hers.  I would rather have a marriage like mine where we are both equal partners, we both value one another's feelings, and we both put our family unit first.

Needless to say, she disagrees.  She wanted to talk about how she felt about how I handled the situation.  I wanted to talk about how, as my best friend, she doesn't get to have a voice in my marriage. 

It ended with her yelling "consider this friendship over" and hanging up on me.

I've felt physically sick ever since.  My chest feels heavy, I could barely sleep, and its literally all I can think about.  I don't want our friendship to be over.

But I also know that I'm not wrong.  I'm not going to apologize for being upset that she feels like she gets to have a say in how I handle my marriage.  I'm not going to tell her its ok for her to judge me and crucify me for something that is 100% none of her business.  I'm not going to say sorry for expecting my best friend to be just that... my friend.  Not my judge and jury. 

Not having her for a friend is going to be one of the hardest things I'll probably ever have to face.   We've been best friends for over four years and its been unlike any friendship I've ever had before.  We were almost closer than sisters.  It was truly something special.

But I'm not going to kid myself... if that's the kind of friend she wants to be to me, then I don't need that kind of friend in my life.

Still, the pain is palpable.

And So It Begins...

It has begun.  I have started to lose my hair.

I knew it would happen, but it's still freaking me out.  I lost a bunch of hair when I had my c-sections four and eight years ago.  But this time will probably be more.  I'm frantically trying to get in all my protein in hopes that I won't go completely bald. 

How long did you lose your hair?  How much did you lose?  Was it noticeable to others?  Any tips to reduce the loss?

*sob*